Difficulty at the Beginning

Change is hard. When we want to change ourselves, our behaviours and our lives, the change can be incredibly difficult; often, we remain blind to the patterns that we remain trapped within. As soon as we begin shifting a pattern, the mind resists. Cutting and hacking a new pathway through a thick forest is a lot harder than driving on a smooth well-known highway. Just facing the forest can be hard, even if the highway takes us to a place over and over again that we don’t want to end up: the forest is dark, difficult to go through, and we can only hope it will come out in a sunny clearing. Many times, we do not choose to begin, for fear of getting lost, or what we might find along the way.

When I first started this blog I had no idea how much work it would take to change myself and my inner voices, as well as my perception of the world. I only knew that I couldn’t live the way that I was. Now as time goes by it gets easier: I can still see how difficult the adventure is, but I started enjoying the challenge. Over time I feel much more certain of my ability to figure things out, to look after myself (or to ask for help), and to feel confident that I will be able to handle whatever comes.

I was reading about this concept of “beginner’s mind”, and thinking about how I can maintain a mindset of openness and exploration, without getting overconfident or assuming that I know how things will go. It has been such an important part of my process to feel confidence in myself and to trust this sense of inner clarity that I have, and now it feels like a task to balance confidence with holding no expectations. I told my therapist L. that I want to finish my sessions in the next few months and that I want to wrap things up. Sometimes when I go to sessions now I feel like I have nothing to say, I just sit there mentally searching for things to discuss. I feel this strong pull inside myself that I want to be alone, I want to look after myself on my own, I want to “test” my competence and see how I go. I have hope that it will go well, and at the same time I am trying to keep it in the back of my mind that maybe without therapeutic support, maybe I go downhill again. Who knows? I am nervous to take the next step.

It feels big. And good. And then I keep thinking about how excited I am about everything else I still am working on, and everything that is still to come. What comes next to test my courage, my ability to learn, what will come to open my mind and to expand my world?

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